A little light reading.........
not a 'recommended' book list, by any means. It simply lists those titles
which have been found by list members and which have presumably been helpful to
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comments alongside the book titles are those which accompanied the mention in
the relevant post. They are the personal opinion of the poster only.
Further suggestions for the list are very welcome at firstname.lastname@example.org
On the subject closest to our hearts.........
The Other Side of the Closet by our own Amity Pierce Buxton. Subject-specific, citing actual case histories of marriages where one partner has come out as gay or bisexual.
"I'll go out on a limb here and highly recommend the book "Uncommon Lives: gay men and straight women..." by Catherine Whitney. New York, New American Library, 1990, It is out of print now and hard to locate, but if anyone has any doubts that MO marriages do exist and sometimes thrive, I would suggest they read this book."
"I recently read "My Husband is Gay." (by Carol Grever) It was a collection of stories of women who had found themselves married to gay men. Most of the marriages ended, but the end of the book was very positive in terms of how the wives learned to re-connect with themselves and move on in a positive manner."
When Husbands Come Out of the Closet by Jean Schaar Gochros, Phd. Harrington
Gay Fathers. R Barrett & B Robinson. Lexington Books
Husbands Who Love Men; Deceit, Disease, Despair; by Dr. Aileen H. Atwood. She was not married to a gay man but during her career as an emergency room nurse encountered gay AIDS patients who were married to str8 spouses. Not only does it deal with the str8 spouse's feelings, it also is an excellent education on HIV and other STD's (sexually transmitted diseases) that the str8 spouse should be aware of. She uses life stories of str8s that she interviewed. All of your feelings and emotions are validated in this book. I highly recommend it.
Becoming Gay, by Richard Isay (good discussion of the coming out process, including a chapter on gay married men)
From Wedded Wife to Lesbian Life. Crossing Press
Strock, Carren. (1998) Married Women Who Love Women. Pub: Doubleday
Specially for children (and parents):
Editorial Reviews From Horn Book
A book describing the feelings of a boy whose gay father lives with another man presents the facts in a favorable light. Mother is extremely understanding, and Daddy's roommate is a friendly fellow. But many questions are left unanswered in a book dealing with a situation seldom addressed for young children. Cartoonlike illustrations. -- Copyright © 1991 The Horn Book, Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
This story's narrator begins with his parent's divorce and continues with the arrival of "someone new at Daddy's house." The new arrival is male. This new concept is explained to the child as "just one more kind of love." The text is suitably straightforward, and the format--single lines of copy beneath full-page illustrations--easily accessible to the intended audience.
Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman, Diana Souza (Illustrator). Amazon is grouping the two books if you go to the website for Daddy's Roommate for $17.52.
This handsome 10-anniversary edition of a minor classic presents the story of Heather, a preschooler with two moms who discovers that some of her friends have very different sorts of families. Juan, for example, has a mommy and a daddy and a big brother named Carlos. Miriam has a mommy and a baby sister. And Joshua has a mommy, a daddy, and a stepdaddy. Their teacher Molly encourages the children to draw pictures of their families, and reassures them that "each family is special" and that "the most important thing about a family is that all the people in it love each other." In the afterword, the author (whose other children's books include Matzo Ball Moon) explains that although she grew up in a Jewish home, in a Jewish neighborhood, there were no families like hers on the television or in picture books. She came to regard her family as somehow "wrong," since there was no Christmas tree in the living room and no Easter egg hunt. Whatever the religious right may wish to think about nontraditional families, there is no denying that any child enrolled in an American school will encounter friends with single parents, gay parents, stepparents, or adoptive parents. This new, revised version of Heather Has Two Mommies offers an enjoyable, upbeat, age-appropriate introduction to the idea of family diversity. The book is essential for children (ages 2 to 6) with gay parents or family members, and a great addition to a Rainbow Curriculum. --Regina Marler
Originally self-published in 1989, Heather Has Two Mommies became the first title in Alyson's newly formed Alyson Wonderland imprint in 1990. The simple and straightforward story of a little girl named Heather and her two lesbian mothers was created by Newman and illustrator Diana Souza because children's books that reflected a nontraditional family did not exist, but a firestorm of controversy soon ensued. Attacked by the religious right, lambasted by Jesse Helms from the floor of the U.S Senate, and stolen from library shelves, it was an uphill battle for Heather. Thanks to the overwhelming support of booksellers, librarians, parents, and children, however, Heather Has Two Mommies has sold over 35,000 copies, launched a minor industry in providing books for the children of gay and lesbian parents and, as attested to by a recent New Yorker cartoon, become part of the cultural lexicon.
a book good for 6-12 year old kids and the title is "How
would you feel if your Dad was gay?"
by Ann Heron and Meredith Maran. Another book is "Lucy
in the Country"
by Joseph Kennedy. It is a story book for younger kids, It is not
about being gay but about 2 men, their city cat, and a trip to the country. Its
message is much more subliminal.'
"I have read THE FINAL CLOSET: The Gay Parent's Guide for Coming-Out to Their Children
What About the Children? L Saffron. Cassell 1996
Dancing: A Father, Two Kids, and a Journey to the Ends of the Earth,
by Daniel Glick, published by PublicAffairs in Spring, 2003. The book is an
account of a five-month, around-the-world trip Glick took with his two children
after becoming a single father and losing his brother to breast cancer.
Daniel Glick is a straight spouse who used to write for Newsweek. His
website is at
and includes a link to the USA Today article which he
wrote on gay marriage and to the publoished response from one of our members.
On homosexuality and bisexuality........
THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU" - Edited by L MacPike
Loving Someone Gay by Don Clark, PhD
"A good book to read is Tom Smith's (pseudonym) autobiography, "Half-Straight". You can get it through half.com for $16.00. It opened my eyes."
and the Family. FW Bozett. Harrington
The Bisexual Option by Fritz Klein
"My therapist suggested
found it on Amazon.com."
On coping, loss, anger, separation, divorce, the aftermath.......
"I just bought a new book called "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie and thought this might be helpful to you and the rest of our village. I was just reading a section under "Stopping our Pain". There is a different topic for each day of the year so you can pick it up and go to any day/topic pertaining to how you are feeling or what you are going through at that particular moment."
"Love is Letting Go of Fear. A book that helped me tremendously. (by Jerold Jampolsky)"
My husband's therapist recommended a book for me to read "Getting the Love You Want - A Guide for Couples." (by Harville Hendrix, PhD. Henry Holt & Co) I've been plowing through it, but at times stop and almost say out loud "Yeah, but..." Some of it is thought provoking but I'm having trouble with the whole premise, which is that we are attracted to people who resemble our earliest caretakers because we are seeking to repair the damage done to our tender psyches as wee infants. Once we have commited to these people, we next begin to blame them for faults we have within ourselves.
"The Dance of Intimacy"... (Harriet G Lerner. Pub: Harper & Row) which was a very important book for me post-tgt in understanding what was missing in my relationship with *. I highly recommend it to all!"
"I believe this is the same woman who wrote "The Dance of Anger", (Harriet G Lerner. Pub: Harper & Row) great book for those of us who get emotionally 'constipated' by the intensity of our feelings."
"Another, which my college classmate wrote is Ways to Forgive, by Mona Gustafson Affinito. Her thesis is that one option we have is not forgiving at all. Yet, we still need to come to terms with our emotions and values and make some tough choices about what action to take. She examines punishment, mercy, and justice as the major options in the process of our deciding whether or not to forgive someone for inflicting harm on us."
The Verbally Abusive Relationship - How to recognize it and how to respond. Patricia Evans. Bob Adams Inc, 1992
"There's a great book that a spouse lent me that helps one weather blame and other obstacles to being who you are: The Four Agreements, based on Toltec wisdom."
Men who Hate Women and the Women who Love Them. Susan Forward
Women Who Love Too Much: When you keep Wishing and Hoping he'll Change. Robin Norwood. Pocket Books
"The book When the One You Love Wants to Leave by Donald Harvey does not specifically deal with the gay issue. But it gives insight on the struggle we all go through mainly from the woman's point of view...deals with pushed out, pulled out, put out husbands. It gives explanations and gives stories... it is good for separating, divorcing or reconciliation. It was a good starting point for me."
Break Your Addiction to a Person. Howard Halpern
Should You Leave? P Kramer. Scribner
How to Survive the Loss of a Love. Colgrove, Bloomfield & McWilliams. Prelude 1991
Goodbye, I Love You. CL Pearson. Jove
"One book I have heard is good is called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay".
When Bad Things Happen to Good People. H Kushner. Avon 1981
you want to read a GREAT book that deals with detachment (among other things), I
wholeheartedly recommend "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" by
Deepak Chopra. I've read it and it really opened some doors for me. I keep
it by my bed to refer to when I'm feeling helpless and
it works every time."
Codependent No More, Melody Beattie
Single Again, A Guide for Women Starting Over, Victoria Jaycox
A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson
Keeping the Love You Find. Harville Hendrix, PhD. Henry Holt & Co 1992
"I have just finished a book which I read cover-to-cover in two days. (And I rarely read non-fiction, preferring "heavy" fiction!) Just couldn't put it down. You might want to consider it. Even though it doesn't deal very directly with the "gay thing", it has a number of insights which I found quite profound. It is Love Affairs: Marriage and Infidelity by Richard Taylor. The publisher is Prometheus Books ISBN 1-57392-128-9. It presents an entirely different view of "adultery" and even gives guidelines for dealing with a partner's "flings." You might not agree with this author, but I guarantee he will give you something to think about!"
book that has helped and continues to help me untangle myself from the world of
lies my husband tried to imprison me in is this one: When Your Lover is a Liar
by Susan Forward Phd. It helps to restore trust in yourself, not feel as crazy
or alone and to realize other people have weathered the wounds that lies have
caused in their lives and gone on to love and respect themselves again. It's
great. I'd recommend it to anyone in our situation."
"I just heard of a new book entitled "Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them" (Longstreet Press, $24)....Barbara LeBey. I understand that there is a lot in the book about tgt, divorce, and what it has done to the family....."coming out, or the
revealing of sexual orientation, is becoming a major factor in estrangements, and these are not just young men and women who are coming out to their families, but spouses who have been married for many years" was the quote they gave about the book."
Making and Breaking Families, by Jill Curtis (UK), senior psychotherapist, experienced in the issues of mixed orientation relationships. The author's synopsis, from her website http://www.familyonwards.com, reads in part 'As families split up and re-group, other patterns become established. Step families are formed, half brothers and sisters are born, and parents with children from second marriages are sometimes torn between divided loyalties. But other families proliferate: families where the grandparents have become parents of their children’s children; families where one or both parents are gay or lesbian, with custody of a child from a previous relationship; ‘double’ families where perhaps a father shares his time between two families.'
"Some of the problems caused by the massive increase in divorce are explored in "The Divorce Culture: Rethinking Our Commitments to Marriage and Family" by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead."
Growing Through Divorce. J Smoke. Harvest House 1985
"Take a look at Abigail Trafford's excellent book about the stages of divorce. It is called "Crazy Time" and can be acquired through Amazon."
A Course in Miracles, Foundation for Inner peace
Living Through Personal Crises. Ann Kaiser Stearns
Forgive and Forget - Healing the Hurts we Don't Deserve. L Smede. Harper Collins
Gloria Steinem, Revolution from Within - A Book of Self-Esteem.
Scott M Peck, The Road Less Travelled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth. Pub: Simon & Schuster
"From what I understand, and we did plenty of research when my ex was dealing with the sexual abuse issue, there are some books particularly well regarded in this field. The ones that stuck in my mind are, "The Courage To Heal Workbook" by Laura Davis (for the survivor) and "Allies In Healing", also by Laura Davis (for the spouse). The workbook is just that, a workbook and the one for spouses I found to be a big help in understanding things better."
Pretzel Logic, Lisa Rogak (written by a former str8 spouse; warning: their marriage ends. This book is a bone of contention for some str8
spouses because of the negativity--however, my opinion is it's worth reading)
Until the Real Thing Comes Along, Elizabeth Berg (woman in love with gay best friend)
The Object of My Affection (author?) (novel on which the movie was based)
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